It was a beautiful April morning in 1998. What made it beautiful was not that spring was in full bloom, not that the sun shone brightly in the eastern sky, no what it made it beautiful was that it was a Sunday morning. A morning that most in America, Christians, attend worship services and offer to God their praise. Nothing is quite as exhilarating has making a joyful noise unto the Lord, to have His inspired word imparted to us, to partake in the Lord’s supper remembering his death, burial and resurrection as we are commanded. (Lk.22:19; 1 Cor.11:24-26; Acts 20:7)

Yes, I thought this is going to be a wonderful day to worship with the saints. Afterall I was wearing a suit; my wife looked as beautiful as ever. The eldest child of the clan was dressed with little fanfare; hair combed, shoes polished and looking good. Daughters were close to being dressed, or so I thought. My middle child was in rare form. She was fighting her mother every step of the way. In fact by the time we were ready to leave for church the atmosphere and turned from one great anticipation to one of total chaos. First, the knot head middle child of ours had decided to battle mom and everything she was to wear that morning. Having turned 10 years old in November of 97 I’m sure she thought that she was a lot smarter than her parents. In actuality, I have no doubt she was smarter than me, but not her mom. Apparently everything had been decided the night before as was the custom of the kids mother. That all changed this morning, not when sister cotton ironed (my dad’s nickname for her) decided to change everything at the last minute. When I say last minute I mean last minute. I’m calling upstairs “Come on let’s go we’re going to be late if we don’t go right now.”

Then as I was walking away from the staircase I heard the screaming only to turn and see my dear sweet, patient wife with our youngest in her arms and the problem child by the arm literally dragging her down the stairs, my son was next with that look in his eyes that mom was about to take the wooden spoon out of her purse and with military precision about to wake the “sleeping dog” within and, well you can probably imagine what happened next.

So parents, what do you do when everything seems to go completely wrong? How do you maintain your sanity, more importantly how do maintain a Godly home in the middle of family war?

First, never give up. Remember you are not your child’s best friend. You are their parent commanded to raise this child according to scripture. (see Eph.6:1-4) Ok, I get that you may say, but what was your response to this event? Now remember I was still learning, after all I had only been a father for 14 years. So I was relatively still new to the job. I was barely into my teen years as a parent. My reaction was not good. In fact, I mishandled the whole situation. I became angry and let my temper dominate my thinking. Wrong, wrong, wrong! When Paul admonishes, commands fathers in Ephesians chapter 6 he is setting the bar high. He says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Paul is speaking to fathers here, not parents, but to fathers. It is on the father to set the tone in the family, yes husband and wife together make up parents, but when it comes to the family and how it will function the onus is on the fathers. I would never and am not now diminishing the role of mom. Oh my the mother is so vitally important to the life of children. Often it’s the mom that has to come to the rescue of the child because dad has set the wrong tone in the family. Maybe it is that the dad is no longer a part of the family, yes mothers are so important but notice the admonishment’ “Fathers, do not provoke…” Not provoking does not mean that you have to give in to the child, does not mean that whatever the child decides then that is they way things will be. Children do not have the discernment that adults should have. What Paul is saying to the fathers is this: Avoid attitudes, words and actions which would drive a child to angry exasperation or resentment. When we push our children to this point, they stop paying attention to us. They stop following our leadership. Dad’s, nothing but trouble will occur when our children stop following the leader that God has chosen for them.

DO I IRRITATE?

What are some of the ways we can cross the line and irritate our children to the point of resentment?

First through overprotection. We can smother children. We do this when we do not allow them to explore or go on their own adventures. Granted, as parents we should desire to protect our children. We should keep them safe especially from the prince of darkness. The reality is we need to let go of the leash, let them branch out, let them make mistakes and learn from them. Let them learn how to handle independence. Do not misunderstand, we should never allow them to willfully live in a manor that is not worthy before our Father in heaven. If we bring them up in the Lord, their exploration will never lead them from the wonderful riches of His grace. Does not mean they will not sin. It only means that part of learning and handling the independence they desire requires them to become completely dependent of God.

Second through discouragement. How often do children hear discouraging words from parents? It may have been a promise made and not kept, perhaps it was “why can’t you be like so and so?” Maybe its “You’ll never amount to anything” or “You can’t do anything right.” To me negative, discouraging comments like this will turn the child away from dad’s, from their leadership, which, by the way, is null when a father utters these types of comments. In all my dealings with my own father, not once, not ever did he compare me to one of my brothers, nor did he ever say I would amount to nothing. On the contrary, he constantly encouraged me. He was a disciplinary and times I thought unfair, but I never doubted his desire to see me succeed or his eminence love for me and my brothers.

Third through neglect. I cannot explain this any better than Robert Coles, author child psychiatrist, and professor emeritus at Harvard University:

“I think that what children in the United States desperately need is a moral

Purpose. They’re getting parents who are very concerned about getting them

Into the best colleges, buying the best clothes for them, giving them

Opportunity to live in neighborhoods where they’ll lead fine and affluent lives

And where they can be given the best toys, go on exciting vacations, and all

Sorts of things…Parents work very hard these days; and they’re acquiring things

They feel are important for their children. And yet vastly more important

Things are not happening. They’re not spending time with their children, at

Least not very much.”

One of the habits in our household at dinnertime was not just to have a meal together but to talk and discuss the days events or anything that might be on the kids mind. I miss those days now that our children have their own lives. It was an important element that created an atmosphere of good communication. Often there would be a passage of scripture that one of our children would ask a question about or ask for clarification on. At Sunday lunch, it was almost always discussing their bible class and what they learned. Out of that came many teaching opportunities. We also were able to build a bond that I believe our kids hold in high value to this day.

DO LEAD YOUR CHILDREN

Have you ever sat on a “two-legged” stool? If you have probably not for very long. Two legs on a stool do not make a strong foundation on which to sit. However, by adding one leg to that stool it becomes sturdy and an effective place to park yourself when the time comes. It is the same with leading and raising children. Having only the preverbal two legs to the stool will make an unsteady infrastructure to raise children. Lets examine three important legs to have in raising children.

First, the leg that needs to be milled correctly is that of love. Part of the equation of building that leg is the element of faithfulness. (1Cor.4:2) “Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.” Literally this means one that is trustworthy or can be trusted. Fathers our children need to know without a doubt that we can be trusted that we are faithful. That we love our wives and are committed to them, our marriage and the home. Another element to this leg is found in Luke chapter 15 verses 11-32. You know the story that of the prodigal son. The younger of the two sons demanded his inheritance. The father freely gave him that inheritance. What I want to hone in on is this passage:

Lk.15:22-24a (22) But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. (23)  And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. (24a)  For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ (Esv)

The element – that of searching, never giving up. No matter how distant your relationship with your son or daughter may become always search for them. Be watchful and ready to open your arms, to welcome them back if they have left the teaching of their youth. Celebrate the return of your lost child.

The most important aspect of this leg is the love. Romans chapter 12 first part of verse nine tells us, “Let your love be genuine…” Love that is genuine will not wear many faces; it will not put on a show in front of the masses and destroy in private. It will be undisguised and sincere.

Second,  leg of spiritual nourishment is needed. In Deuteronomy six starting in verse four, Moses provides a spiritual mandate, a commandment. First he states that there is one God (vs.4) next he reminds the people that they will, note the imperative, love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul and might and that will forever be on their hearts (vs.5-6). The next 3 verses is what I want us to see:

     You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when

you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down,

and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall

be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of

your house and on your gates. (Duet.6:7-9)Esv

 The nourishment that our children need spiritually is far more important than our physical nourishment. Yes, we need bread and water to survive the physical realm but we need spiritual food to survive the temptations and attacks of Satan. In the home, I believe we are commanded to be diligent in teaching God’s inspired word, the Bible. It is of absolute importance that Fathers and Mothers are doing all they can to further the learning of the wonderful life in Jesus. These verses in Deuteronomy indicate that we are constantly, with great fervour and desire extolling the ways and the will of God.

In Eph.6:4, the word instruction literally means “to place before the mind.” It refers to verbal instruction or verbal warning. Eli, the high priest of the Lord, failed with his sons. While Eli was righteous before God, his sons were not. Eli failed in proper instruction. (see 1Sam.3:11-13) In that passage, the word rebuke is used. The same root word for instruction. Eli spent his life serving God. He led the worship of the nation, but he did not confront his sons when they needed to be confronted. At times, fathers need to be blunt with our children. Honest, forthright instruction, (rebuking) is needed for Godly parenting.

Third and final leg is the need for discipline. We are further instructed through the text of Ephesians to “bring them up in the discipline of the Lord.” The Greek New Testament word there is our english word “training.” It means to train by setting rules and regulations, rewards, and when necessary punishments. I believe Hebrews 12:11 says it best in that the punishment may not seem joyful or fun, in fact, it can be very sorrowful. But the result is “peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

James Dobson, author of “Dare to Discipline” describes discipline as the shaping of will. He lists several suggestions that parents could use for shaping this will:

•  Define the boundaries before they are enforced. The child needs to understand in advance what is acceptable before they are held accountable.
• When defiantly challenged, respond with confident decisiveness. When the war of wills occurs, parents need to win decisively and confidently. I am reminded of the wisdom of my wife in telling me that “I need to pick my battles.” How true that statement is. I was trying for so long to fight them all that I was outnumbered and losing on the frontline.
• Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. If one of the chores or responsibilities of that child is taking out the trash, you need to understand the difference. Forgetting to take out the trash is not willful defiance. Telling you “I am not now or ever going to take out the trash” is willful defiance and must be dealt with immediately.
• Reassure and teach after the confrontation. I have tried with my children to do this. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You should not give up on trying.
• Avoid giving impossible demands. Never punish a child for something that a child is incapable of doing at the time.
• Let love be your guide

Godly fathers are tender and kindhearted men. Relationships are built on a strong spiritual foundation, Jesus, brick by brick if you will pattern your life like that of Christ, literally “be Christlike” you will find that over time any walls that have been built will be walls of kindness.